He said, "I am but one small instrument." Do you remember that?
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I'd like to think that i'm beyond ordinary. That I do everything in a special way.

Call me Wendy. that would make things easier for the both of us.
I am a pessimist. Sucks to be me.
I love everything Earth-friendly. Anything that unleashes the child in me.
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Written at Friday, July 3, 2009 | back to top

it was depressing to see it. i saw it, twas so damn depressing yet what can i do? i had nothing else to do but to stop staring so as to stop the pain.

i can't believe i'm such a sucker. i don't know why, it pained me to see IT, good thing i got the power to stop staring at them.

okay, so what is really the real deal here?

i'm just so upset because i'm so weak. weak enough to not face reality. i'm weak AND stupid enough to use other people for my own sake, and i know that's a bad thing but i' m willing to do anything to stop the burning in me.

i don't want to say anything like -> "i want IT back" but hey, it's pretty obvious that this WAS my goal for a year and a half already. and yet nothing happened. nothing happens.

and that only means that it's really not supposed to be, right? but how come that I think it's still us in the end? is it just my own hypocrisy and stupidity or am i just losing my mind?

people are telling me that it's never too late to stand up for yourself for once. it seems to me like i've downed myself for so long that i'm not capable of standing up anymore.. and what's worse is, it's me who's in pain while that other person's not..

i know that THAT other person isn't going through the same situation as with me. simple, THAT person doesn't care.. it hurts me and well.. i'm stupid so what else should i do? go ahead and kill myself? yeah like that would help.

please don't blame me for my own stupidity. i really want this to end so badly. i've been through a lot already yet this is the biggest thing that i think i wouldn't want to live with yet i honestly cannot live without.. i live for a simple reason and that's to be happy and enjoy life that God has given me. but how can i simply do that now?

i know i'm doomed, i've always been. this is my weakness. this is the pain that's coming from inside of me.

seeing that person makes me happy. that person was even close to me literally earlier, and i wasn't happy about that yet i wasn't sad either.. it was disappointing because i haven't heard any word addressed for me. yes, it was disappointing but i can't blame that person. since i'm doing the same thing too.

see? it's all my fault, isn't it? i'm dumb. yes, i know.